No, I did that on purpose. It is just how I feel at the moment. Years ago, I didn't need anyone telling me where I needed to be or where I was headed. I just went. Sure, having a family of my own slowed down that process, but direction is still a must have in life. As you know if you've been reading this blog, it's been a tough year for our little family. First the horrible start to the year with Jan being taken to the hospital and passing days later. Then with Evie and her blindness, for lack of a better term, and her need for vision therapy. Finally wrapping up with my Mom's passing days after entering the hospital as well. Cancer has done a number on us this year and stress isn't doing anything better for us now.
I'm not sure how I am starting to process everything, but I know where I want to start. I want to take over the farm. I've never said it point blank, and I know that Ara will read this and be a bit surprised. I'm not scared of the fight about it, and I know it is what is best for everyone. By taking this leap, sure, living arrangements will be weird, but it will give Ara a chance to heal, Nana someone to lean on and Alan the help he needs. It will also start giving us a sense of purpose again. Not a gimmicky plan of what we could do, or might do, or should do... But what we are DOING.
I look around when I am there and realize how much I love the land, the peace, the feel of my mind when I am there. Not that I want the extra workload, but that at the end of the day, taking care of that place brings joy to those that know it and love it. It gives me solace to know that Evie will be raised in a good place, with kind people and a community that supports each other. It peaceful knowing that the stresses of money, time and doubt could be replaced with feelings of hope, joy and accomplishment. It could be the place that one day, Evalyn returns to, as the next generation of the Darst/Gerard/Lunsford family takes over the land to feel the same.
Like I said, I'm sure this will be a conversation to be had soon, but I'm finally ready for it. It might be time to sit down with those that live there now and actually talk about what would need to be done and how we can get it done. Like I said, I am done with the should-a, would-a, could-a talk and I'm ready to get to doing.
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